MURDER

Here’s a fun factoid I should have used around Halloween. Why? I’ll tell you what, IT’S A REAL BONE CHILLER! AHAHAH.

When I moved in to my current home, the grass was almost entirely dead. But a few weeks ago, the Land Lady started appearing daily, watering the dead lawn and running up the water bill until an unruly ecosystem of weeds sprouted. This, of course, attracted countless predators including a gang of sexually promiscuous squirrels as well as a gang of sexually promiscuous sparrows. I was UTTERLY SCANDALIZED just the other day when I saw them doing their SEXUAL ORGY IN MY LAWN. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, NO LESS!.

I know you are appalled at this just like me. But that is not the BONE CHILLER to which I’d previously alluded. The most significant occurrence on our lawn has been, by far, the MURDER OF CROWS which comes by daily, pushing around neighborhood kids, cursing out old ladies, and scaring away our dinner guests. And although I just laid out a perfectly valid causal reason for the presence of these crows, I will tell you that I am almost 100% certain that these crows were commanded to appear on our lawn by a decree from no less than LUCIFER HIMSELF. This satanic presence in our yard is probably an omen which has larger, national implications. What am I talking about? I’m saying to you that these crows are on our lawn as a direct result of the election of Barack Obama.

I am kidding, but I DID get an email with the subject line “FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:” which ended up being about how, GET THIS FOLKS, the election of Barack Obama is a direct and perfect exegesis of some random quotes that the author of this chain email pulled out from the book of Revelation. My favorite part of the email is when it uses the term “Sheeple” to refer to those who voted for Obama, explaining that the term is a “combination of sheep and people because sheep are so dumb”.