An Inevitability

If I am left alone for too long, I will inevitably find myself eating nachos or cereal while standing at the kitchen counter, wishing that Mad Tv or Mind of Mencia were not the only thing on television. If you are reading this, and you have gone to college for “ENGINEERING”, I need your help. Help me engineer my day to optimize maximum productivity. Help me engineer a vent diagram titled, “TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE”:

I think my productivity was most maximum when I was most miserable. This was last winter, living in frozen fish town, scarcely going outside at all and waking up every morning at six twenty to work on writing. Part of this solitude was a result of having been beaten and robbed, maybe a lot of it, part of it was wanting to wake up with discipline every morning and scream to the universe, “LET ME BE A WRITER!” The writing that was amassed during this time is a book called, “The Whale and the Submarine: How They Fell in Love and the Horrible Way They Both Died Together”. If I upload all 110,630 words into a website called “Wordle”, this is what is produced:

Though I do like what has been made, I am afraid for it to be finished. My fear is like the fear of a father who doesn’t want his child to go outside. The father is afraid that when the result of his parenting skills are introduced into the ACTUAL world, that his child will be defective. He will find his son living beneath a bridge, giving hand jobs to fishermen in exchange for rancid halibut. He will find his son a CEO of Enron. Or he may find his son sitting in a desk drawer, never amounting to anything.

This is, perhaps, what my parents are seeing when they look at me now. I am, in a sense, cooped up in a desk drawer, staying inside all day; a tightly wound bundle of pages amounting to the result of their parenting. They are currently at the beach, I decided to stay home and try to work as much as I can at my telescope job. I’m in the attic right now, taking breaks from typing this to pet my parent’s neurotic dog. She’s doddering around the room right now because of all the thunder and lightning outside.

OH, ON A TOTALLY UNRELATED TOPIC, here are some ideas I had for new kinds of Pepsi. These ideas will never be published or turned into actual soft-drinks, so maybe you would like them:

List of New Varieties Pepsi

Pepsi Aiello
Are you Danny Aiello? This new line of Pepsi is specially formulated for you. We here at the Pepsi Corporation are big fans, really. From Sal, the Italian restaurant owner in Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing, to Tony, the Italian restaurant owner in Luc Besson’s The Professional, Pepsi Aiello is specially formulated to help enhance your brave, stereotype-defying brand of acting. Advertising Slogan: “Ayyyee! You like-a-da-Pizzaaaa!”

Pepsi Escrow
Contains a powerful sedative designed to dull the pain that has come to so many from the failing economy, soaring gas prices, and the impending mortgage crisis. Advertising Slogan: “When the Repo Man bangs at your door, simply reach for Pepsi Escrow. As our powerful narcotic courses through your veins, you’ll care not that your broken dreams lay dead at your feet.”

Pepsi Sass
Packaged in a curiously long and slender can, this new variety of Pepsi resembles an enormous Virginia Slim menthol cigarette. This product will help the Pepsi Corporation tap into the leathery, middle-aged, divorcee market. Advertising Slogan: “Wash down a handful of valium with Pepsi Sass, the Pepsi product for a woman who has had it up to here with you goddamn men.”

Pepsi Dracula
This new line of Pepsi tastes like blood because it is blood. Are you a Dracula or some other kind of vampire? Are you also tired of spending your precious nights stalking and strangling? We know that vampires crave only the blood of beautiful coquettes with voluptuous cleavage. That’s why we at the Pepsi Corporation track and brutally murder only beautiful women with breasts heaving beneath a tattered blouse, providing you the quality blood that you need for sustenance. Our competitors promise superior blood, but these Brand-X products frequently contain fillers such as tomato juice, dog’s blood, and the blood of the unattractive. Pepsi Dracula gives you what you want. Advertising Slogan: “MIGHT AS WELL ADMIT, you’re addicted to blood!” (To be sung to the tune of “Addicted to Love” by 80’s musician Robert Palmer. The deceased Palmer is signed on for an endorsement deal.)

Pepsi Puppy
This new line of Pepsi sports a taste identical to traditional Pepsi, but with one fatal stipulation. If each citizen of the world does not purchase and consume at least one can of this soft drink each and every day, we at the Pepsi Corporation will be forced to murder one golden retriever puppy. Please purchase this fine product from us today. For the puppy’s sake. Advertising Slogan: “DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE US DO?”