Becomeable Grownups

There’s a definite “SPRING HAS SPRUNG” feeling in the air today – windows open, dog asleep under the coffee table, wife on the computer, me sitting at the ALL PURPOSE MEAL TABLE examining my shoes. ”Whirring Domesticity,” as it’s called. And what it’s also called is: “FULL-ON, BALLS-TO-THE-WALL GROWNUP LIFESTYLES”.

Personal childhood projections of “WHAT GROWNUP LIFE WILL BE LIKE” (and, thus, what Grownup Life more or less tries to be like) were largely informed by TV Grownups. This is maybe because the parents seemed less like role-models and more like Big Talking Buildings. Nothing foreseeably becomable. No discernable evolutionary chart illustrating a path leading from “LI’L BILLY” → “BIG BILL: REALTOR, BOAT OWNER, ESTEEMED COMMUNITY MEMBER.” 

In retrospect, the TV Grownups probably seemed more becomable because they were (for the most part) big jobless kids amid purchasable stuff. (Thinking now of Jerry eating Dorritos, the Friends of Friends enjoying Pepsi Products, Fraiser partaking of Kodiak Ice. Chewing tobacco starts to seem like a REALLY good idea when you see someone as cool as FRAISER doing it.)

AND:

Sitting at the ALL PURPOSE MEAL TABLE now, surveying our big-ticket electronics acquisitions. Out of nowhere, I remember: Years ago, we were house-hunting in South Philadelphia at 2pm on a Tuesday in the summer. The man who lived in the house invited us in to have a look around. He was sitting on the couch watching old Simpsons on an enormous flat screen TV and eating King Vitamin (open box on the coffee table). He told us to go have a look around. The place was dark and air-conditioned and this guy seemed like a Genuine Serial Killer – young but weathered, old-looking, or at least passable for middle-age. (Maybe it was cynical to assume based on his appearance that he was a Genuine Serial Killer but I was probably like 22 years old or something so come on cut me some slack for crying out loud. Plus maybe he WAS a Genuine Serial Killer and so then wouldn’t you feel like a real horse’s ass for accusing me of being cynical?) We surveyed the amenities. Washer/dryer. Hardwood Floors. Central Air. Nice. This guy had a pretty impressive Sea Captain bedroom too: Fish net hanging around the walls, fake paintings of fish and waves and boats everywhere. Bust of a Sea Captain on the dresser. I remember there was also a circular bed, which we thought of as Weird and Sexual for some reason. Not sure why. Maybe it is. 

LIST OF KNOWN GROWNUPS:
a) George
b) Chandler
c) Monika
d) Agent Cooper
e) Jean Luc Picard
f) Fraiser